


Pancakes with sprinkles?

by Time2dancecpj



Series: Do you have one in blue? [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Blood, M/M, Self Harm, Tree Bros, convan, cotton candy and hunters au, lots of TW's, mention of suicide, please be careful while reading this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 16:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13391691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time2dancecpj/pseuds/Time2dancecpj
Summary: “Good morning, boys!” Cynthia smiled as she walked in. Evan turned away from Connor to face her as the taller boy quickly slipped his arms under the blankets to hide his bandages. “What’re we feeling today? Pancakes or waffles?”Evan shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me. Connor?”Connor smiled brightly at his mom. “Pancakes with sprinkles?”





	Pancakes with sprinkles?

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware of the TW's!
> 
> -Blood  
> -Self harm  
> -Mentions of suicidal intentions  
> -Swearing
> 
> If any of these make you uncomfortable, please do not read this!

“Nope! Go fish!”

Evan groaned and flopped back on Connor’s bed. “Connor, for the last fucking time. We’re not playing go fish, we’re playing euchre,” the emo boy explained to his friend.

Connor sighed. “I don’t know how to play euchre, though.”

“Then when I asked you at school, ‘do you know how to play euchre,’ why did you say yes?”

“I thought you said ‘super’ like superheroes! I know how to play superheroes. Zoe and I used to play that all the time when we were little,” Connor smiled and tossed the cards into the air, giggling as they fluttered down on them like snowflakes.

Evan sighed. “Guess we’re done with card games,” he said and handed Connor his cards to toss into the air. He got up and stretched out his arms above his head. “I’m runnin’ to the bathroom. Get a movie or something set up while I’m gone.”

Connor gasped. “Can I get the cotton candy machine in here?!” He started bouncing around like a small child, his colored hair flying all over the place.

Evan couldn’t help the strings that tugged at his heart as he watched his _friend_ bounce around. “Sure,” he shrugged before leaving. 

Evan walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He did his business and went to wash his hands, but as he was using the soap dispenser, it slipped off the counter and into the trash can next to it. “Shit,” he hissed and reached in for it, much to his dismay. As he looked in for the soap bottle, a small glimmer caught his eye. He reached down a bit further and touched cold metal. Pulling out the object, Evan felt his heart race at the sight of a bloody razor, stripped from the plastic handle. Evan couldn’t help the terrible thoughts that filled his brain. The first one being _is this Connors?_

The boy carefully put the razor in his pocket, fished out the soap, washed and dried his hands, and walked out the bathroom. Evan tried convincing himself that Connor, his _friend_ , would never do such horrible acts to himself. But he needed to see it to believe it. 

He walked down the stairs, carefully avoiding being seen by Connor, and went into the living room. There, Cynthia was relaxed, reading a novel on the couch. Evan quietly walked over and glanced at her wrists, carful not to disturb her. Thankfully she was wearing a short sleeve shirt, so it was apparent that the razor was not hers. 

Evan felt his anxiety start to kick in as he made his way to the garage where he was sure Larry would be. He knocked on the door leading to the garage before entering. “Hey, Mr. Murphy,” Evan greeted and walked over to him, noticing how Larry had rolled up his sleeves while working. 

Larry smiled at Evan. “Hey, kid. What’re you doing down here? Aren’t you and Connor having some sort of sleepover?”

Evan nodded and watched him work on a baseball glove. “Yeah, but Connor has to set up his fu-er, _fun_ cotton candy machine so I thought I’d see what you were doing while I waited,” he said, catching himself.

Mr. Murphy nodded and showed Evan the glove. “I’m just breaking in this glove for Connor. We’re doing a father-son baseball tournament at work. So I figured while you two were busy I’d do the hard work for him. Now all that’s left is to teach him the sport,” Larry laughed.

Evan nervously joined in his laughing when he saw no marks on either of his wrists. “Yeah. Okay, bye,” he said and quickly bolted back into the house.

Larry stood in his spot, watching Evan leave. “Was it something I said?”

Back inside, Evan tore up the stairs and knocked on Zoe’s door. As much as he’d hate to see either of the Murphy siblings hurting, he couldn’t help but hope that maybe Zoe cut her leg while shaving and the razor just so happened to pop out of the plastic handle. Yeah. That could happen. Right?

Zoe opened the door and let out a small smile. “Hey, Evan. What’s up?”

“Let me see your wrists.”

“What?” Zoe asked, stepping back slightly. 

Evan shook his head. “I’m not gonna fucking hurt you. Just let me see your wrists.” Still nervously shaking, Zoe rolled up the sleeves of her sweater, showing the emo boy that there were no scars. “Shit.”

“Evan, what’s going on?” Zoe asked.

“Shit, shit, shit, no! No, no, no,” he mumbled as he turned away from her door and stared at the blue one across the hall.

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said and shut her door.

Evan felt like he couldn’t breathe. Somehow, his shaking knees walked over to Connors door. He gripped the doorknob with white knuckles and opened it, stepping inside.

Connor smiled brightly at the sight of his friend. “Hey! You were taking so long I was worried you fell in,” he laughed. “Jared told me that one. Hey, you okay, Ev?” Connor asked when he noticed Evans peculiar stance.

Evan closed the door and walked over to his friend, his _best friend_. Staring at Connor, he gently pulled out the razor, showing it to him. “Connor…”

Connor felt like all of time stopped. His normally cheerful smile was gone and his wrists burned beneath his bracelet and jacket. His eyes, once full of happiness, were now consumed by fear. “You weren’t supposed to find that.”

“Connor, let me see.”

“No one was supposed to find that.”

“Connor, I need—“

“I’m such an idiot. I should’ve thrown it out at school.”

“We need to treat th—“

“I’m so stupid! What the fuck was I thinking?!”

Evan didn’t know how to respond. Connor never swore. He stayed silent, setting the razor down on his dresser, and listened to him rant.

“I should’ve taken out the trash, at least! Agh, I mess up everything! I’m a freak and an idiot! Just a bother to everyone! This is why it should’ve worked! Damn it, damn it, damn it!” Connor turned and punched the wall with every ‘damn it’ that slipped out of his lips. Even when he was done screaming, he kept punching. Even when his knuckles got so bloody you couldn’t see them, he kept punching. Even when Evan wrapped his arms around him in hopes of calming him down, Connor kept on punching. It wasn’t until his knees gave out and he needed Evan to support him that he stopped.

Evan gently lowered them to the ground. He pulled Connor into his lap, wrapping him up in his arms and stroking his hair, letting him cry till his lungs hurt. After a few minutes, the tears stopped pouring and only a few dripped down Connors red cheeks. “Let me see them, Con,” he whispered.

Connor slowly removed his metallic cuff bracelet and rolled down his jacket sleeves. Starting at his wrist, a bright pink line traced down to half way to his elbow. Evan felt his heart stop at the sight. They were new.

“I’m sorry, Evan. I’m so, so sorry,” Connor hiccuped.

“No, don’t be sorry, Con. You have nothing to be sorry for,” Evan cooed. “I’m going to get some supplies to clean these and your knuckles up, okay? I’ll be right back.” Evan picked Connor up and gently laid him down on his bed. He walked out, his heart breaking at the sounds of Connors sobs mixed with painful hiccups. Evan grabbed a first-aid kit, some saline, and a wash cloth from their linen closet before walking back to Connors room. He shut the door before joining Connor on his bed.

Connor immediately wrapped himself around his best friend, begging for the comfort he gave. Evan returned the hug, rubbing small circles on his back for a few moments before sitting up so that he could help his _best friend_. He first cleaned the blood off of Connor’s knuckles. Evan flinched when Connor let out a soft whimper. “Sorry,” he mumbled and continued. Evan poured some saline onto the wash cloth and turned to Connor. “This is going to sting, okay? I’m not doing it to hurt you, I’m doing it to help you.”

Connor nodded and gripped Evans arm. When he placed the cloth on his busted knuckles, Connor let out a yelp and buried his face into Evan’s shoulder, digging his nails into his arm.

Evan, although in slight pain from Connor’s nails, tried to work as fast he could. He didn’t want him to feel more pain than he already had. Evan finished up and grabbed bandages from the first aid kit. He wrapped them around his knuckles and, somehow managing to not redden his face, kissed the bandages like his mother used to do to him. 

Connor smiled slightly at the kiss. He frowned, though, when Evan rolled up his sleeves. “No,” he stated and pulled his arms away.

Evan gently grabbed Connors hand in order to bring his arm back out to him. “I have to clean this, Con. You don’t want this getting infected. It’ll hurt even worse if this gets infected. I’ll be quick, I promise,” Evan explained in the calmest, non-swearing voice he could muster, given the circumstances. “You can hold my other hand if you want? Squeeze it when I put the saline on it so it hurts less.”

The pastel boy nodded and grabbed Evan’s left hand. He buried his face back into his shoulder so he wouldn’t have to watch. Evan quickly, but carefully, used the saline before wrapping his arm up in bandages. He switched hands with Connor so that he could finish the other arm. “There. We’re all done.”

Connor looked up at Evan. “Do we…do we have to talk about it?”

Evan sighed and set the supplies on the ground. “Not tonight. But we will have to eventually, okay?”

Connor nodded and crawled back into Evans lap. He laid his head on his chest, using Evans heartbeat to calm him down. 

Evan once again wrapped his arms around Connor. His heart still stung, but he was sure to keep it beating steadily so Connor could relax.

Neither one knew who fell asleep first.

\-----

Evan woke up the next morning to a strand of pink hair in his mouth. “What the fuck?” Evan asked. He pulled the hair out of his mouth, not realizing it was still attached to the owner.

“Ow!” Connor yelped and rubbed his scalp. He opened his eyes, taking in the sight of Evans face just a few centimeters from his. “Morning,” he smiled.

Evan also noticed this fact as his heart rate sped up. “Morning,” he said. Before any other words were exchanged, Connors bedroom door was slammed open.

“Good morning, boys!” Cynthia smiled as she walked in. Evan turned away from Connor to face her as the taller boy quickly slipped his arms under the blankets to hide his bandages. “What’re we feeling today? Pancakes or waffles?”

Evan shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me. Connor?”

Connor smiled brightly at his mom. “Pancakes with sprinkles?”

Cynthia nodded. “Sure thing! I’ll get right on those. They’ll be ready in ten,” she said before walking back out the door, closing it on her way. 

Evan turned back to Connor. “Let’s find you a sweatshirt to cover those up,” he said and got out of bed. He went to Connors closet and looked for the biggest sweatshirt he owned. That way, it could slip over his hands to cover his knuckles and it wouldn't squeeze the bandages on his arms.

Finally, Evan found a big blue one and tossed it to his friend. Connor quickly slipped it on and stood up. “You wanna go get the pancakes now?”

“Sure,” Evan replied. Before Connor could walk away, Evan grabbed his hand. “After breakfast, let’s go for a walk, okay?”

Connor nodded and held Evans hand, walking out of the room and down the stairs. He waved at Zoe who was eating some pancakes at the table. “Morning, Zoe!”

Zoe nodded at them. “Morning.” She looked at their intertwined hands and shot Evan a questioning glance. Evan felt his face turn slightly pink, but didn’t let go. 

\-----

After an artery clogging breakfast, with a few suggestive looks from Zoe to Evan, the pair of friends went on their walk. They clasped hands while wandering the quiet neighborhood, headed towards the nearby forest trails. As they got deeper into the forest, Evan spoke up. “Connor, can you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Connor questioned, smiling at the scenery.

“Tell me what shit made you think you couldn’t live anymore,” Evan explained.

Connor sighed and stopped in the middle of the trees. He stood silent for a few moments, using Evans hand to keep him grounded. “Just…everything. I’m a freak, Evan. People like me are freaks. Does it sound like a seventeen year old boy should love cotton candy and rainbows and anything cute? My dad is so disappointed in me, my mom calls me her daughter to her new friends, and Zoe…gosh, Zoe can’t even be seen with me anymore,” he explained. Connor wiped some tears from his face, careful not to hurt his already damaged hand. “I don’t even know why you stick around with me. I’m obviously a nuisance, so why keep on hanging out with me? You’re only hurting yourself by staying my friend.”

Evan frowned and, without thinking, wrapped Connor up in a tight hug. “Connor, don’t you ever say you’re a fucking freak again, okay? You’re the most amazing person I know and if no one else in this shitty world can see that, then they don’t deserve to have you, got it?” Evan felt his stomach untwist slightly when Connor hugged him back. “And it’s my decision if I want to be your friend. I don’t give a fuck about what you might think, but you’re my best friend and you’re staying my best friend till the end of fucking time. Got it?”

Connor let out a small laughed and nodded. “Yeah. Got it.” 

The pair stood in silence for a few minutes, hugging each other like the world depended on it. Evan was the first to speak up. “If you ever get thoughts like that again, call me, okay? I’ll drop everything I’m doing and fucking sprint if I have to to get you.”

The tall boy smiled. “Okay. Thank you, Ev,” Connor said and pulled away, grabbing Evan’s hand once again.

Evan nodded in response. They continued their walk through the forest, silently, but content in each other presence.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow my Tumblr @i-also-miss-our-talks
> 
> I post there before I post here.


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